August 31st, 2022
everyone is always too good to be true. there is always something wrong with people. there is something wrong with me, i'm no exception. and i think there has to be something wrong with you.
maybe you're immature. maybe you're irresponsible. maybe you make things out to be worse than they really are, not seeing the bigger picture, ignoring nuance, never thinking you're in the wrong...
i get in these moods, i haven't for a long time, but i get in these moods where i just hate you. i don't know why, but i hate you. i'm irritated with you, you're so annoying, you're overdramatic, everything you say is flat. i wonder why i ever loved you, what made me think you were so special that i obsessed? i need a reason to never talk to you again. i wish i could just disappear on you one day and never feel a thing about it. i wish i never answered that phone call, i wish i never wrote those letters, i wish i never entertained the idea that we could ever be close.
i won't see you again until the summer. i won't call you again until next week. it's not fair. everyone i ever love will always be a million miles away and no one will ever be as good as you. i wish i could rip you out of my body and pretend like i never ever felt a thing for you. i wish we could just be friends. i wish i had never met you.
August 15th, 2022
i miss you so much that it hurts.
i don't really know what to write, i just want to write, and i just want to talk to you without talking to you.
my day was real slow today. time feels so much slower when you can see your whole life in front of you but just out of reach. i want now now now, but i can only hurry up and wait.
the moon is fading and giving me control back of my body. nothing makes you feel smaller than the moon having control over your actions, and then also realizing water is the most powerful source on earth and even It is controlled by the moon as well.
i had fun at the theater with you the other night. it was a story about a girl who's whole family and town died except for her, and the ghosts they hired to perform were so beautiful as they danced down the aisles and filled the stage like a kaleidoscope. you leaned into me for warmth, since the spirits always create such a chill when they fill a room. i loved watching your eyes light up throughout the show. i want to take you to a performance every night. i want to always make you happy and make excuses to hold you.
fin.
August 4th, 2022
do you ever run into someone and feel the whole universe shift? like every past life with them came together in front of you for a split moment, like an eclipse, and you want to say, "Thank gods, I finally found you!" - like life before that moment was losing someone in a crowded mall and you finally spot them and relief runs through you when you finally can clutch onto a part of their jacket...
or maybe that's just me, because i'm completely out of my mind.
i really need a break.
xoxo michael.